A quiet night with Finn

Wylie has taken to SCREAMING during his dinner, so tonight I hustled him through dinner and whisked him off to bed around 6:00.

With Jason out for an evening of his super-professional-saving-schools-thing, that left just Finn and me for a quiet night to ourselves.  First of all, why is his behavior noticeably better when he is with just one of us?  He was truly sweet as could be.

-Watching a video about the solar system, Finn commented, "Oh, Mars.  Mars is my favorite planet."  Then, "Pluto is my second favorite tiny, tiny planet." 

-Finn is all about making things these days, projects.  Sometimes building projects, sometimes cooking projects.  Tonight after dinner, while I cleaned up, he tried to brainstorm something he/we could make, something for Papa he said.  His ideas evolved and he ended up heating up some water and putting honey in it--honey tea, he called it.  He stirred and drank, made some for me, and was quite proud of himself.  Sweet.

-Later, in the basement, we watched and discussed, as a spider crawled its way through Finn's train tracks.  At first he did not seem too happy about the spider, but then said, "I don't like all spiders, but this kind is my favorite and he wants to be our pet."

-He did not huff or question or finagle or whine or argue or say a word when I said it was time to do pjs.  He just got up from his trains and walked toward the basement steps.  Really?  Who are you?

-Knowing that Papa is the one who does "cuddle time" after books, and knowing that I am always trying to engage him in conversation, Finn asked me very sweetly, "Mama, can we have some 'conversation cuddle?'"  Yes, my boy, of course we can.

-Laying in Finn's bed, talking, he let's me in on some secrets.  He tells me, "Here's what I do [when I'm supposed to be sleeping].  I pretend my bumpy mirror (his headboard, which is not really a mirror) is a maze" and he flips over to his stomach and shows me how he traces his finger through the maze.  Then he gives me a turn.  Next he shows me how he practices counting using the letters on a sign hanging above his bed. We count together, happy as could be, until he gets bored and moves on to a new topic.  Good night, sweet potato!

Don't Carpe Diem 

by Glennon Melton 

Posted: 1/14/12 11:57 AM ET

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here's what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.

Snow!

7:10 am:  Finn appeared on the landing and asked, "Is the snow more deeper?"  Once he heard that yes it is and that Papa was going out to shovel, he changed out of his pjs, hustled into his snow pants, coat, boots, etc. and was out the door at 7:15.  Amazing.  When Jason and I left for work he was in the backyard playing cars in the snow.

Wylie's First Words

Time to go on record with some first words for our little Wylie George.  He has been saying "uh-oh" for a few weeks now.  The sound of his little voice is so, so sweet.  Lately, he does say it when he drops something, so that seems like a true, accurate word.  Yesterday Grandma swears he said "ball," twice.  And today, petting Calvert, he repeated "gato" after I said it.  Three cheers for Wylie!

January 31--cat
February--Papa, Mama, car, and his own version of doggie and brother

Wylie, 11 months

Why can't we slow down time? Maybe not the moments when Wylie is crying because he is both hungry and needs a nap, but isn't contented by either offering, and Finn is breaking every rule, including ones we have yet to lay out for him.  But, how about those perfect moments when all four of us are happy and in the moment and enjoying each other?  Like when Finn is leaning against me reading a book and noticing things I hadn't even noticed.  Or when Wylie, Mom, Finn, and I rolled a ball back and forth and Wylie thought it was hilarious.  We are lucky to have had a lot of those moments during the past two weeks of Winter Break.

Today Wylie was grouchy because of his stinky cold, but still managed to enjoy some fun time hanging out with Finn, Jason, and me, playing with his new Christmas toys and doing his best to get his hands, or mouth, on his brother's toys.  "Uh oh" may go on record as his first word.  He seems to be on the verge of turning his "da da da's" and "ba ba ba's" into real words.

Kid-Friendly New Year

Getting ready for the countdown, Finn, Maddie, and Lauren made noise makers with help from Jason and Kimberly.

Maddie kept getting "beans stuck in her [my] sweater," so was anxious for the funnel.

Brian finished his just in time!

Our host, John, lulling Lyla to sleep.

Our hostesses, trying to keep everyone happy.

Now we're really ready to celebrate.

Maybe this tiara is flattering.

Dance, dance, dance!

Hurray, the kids' midnight (at 8:30) was a success and now they're off to bed.